Grief Isn't Unique But Only You Know What It's Like
Back in April my mother passed away. It was very sudden and unexpected. The day I found out, it was a Tuesday. I was off work and it was first day off after working 6 days straight. I was all set to relax that day, watch some YouTube, then go to a friends house to play a game. Then I got a phone call from my sister. I immediately though "Oh shit what happened" cause she doesn't call me, she texts me. But she told me the news. And my life hasn't been the same ever since.
She died of a heart attack and it's unsure if it was quick or if it lasted awhile before she died. The part I can't get out of my head was the fact that I took her being alive for granted. Prior to her death, the last time I talked to her was on St. Patrick's Day and it was on the phone. She called me to wish me a Happy St. Patrick's Day and to update me on what's been going on. My step-dad died back in November and my mother was going to sell the house, get an apartment closer to my sister, and just not worry about anything. So she was telling me about these plans and how she was going to get a new car. And she told me my sister was supposed to come over and didn't. (Later, when I texted my sister about this, she said she wasn't gonna go over that day, but the following day. Just a little confusion.)
But looking back at it, I realized how silly it was that she called me to wish me a Happy St. Patrick's Day. Now, I realized that was the final time I would hear her voice. I took her being alive for granted because I kept saying I would call her and never got around to it. And I kept trying to figure out what weekend I could go up there to visit her. That's another thing that's fucking with my head right now.
The last time we saw each other, in person, was in December. And while staying with her, even though I did enjoy being in her company and helping her around the house, I got homesick and couldn't wait to come back home. And I took her being alive for granted because I had no idea then that would be the last time I would see her alive.
After I got the news of her death, I immediately packed my clothes and planned a trip back to my hometown to help my sister with the funeral. I was just in autopilot, wasn't thinking. I just knew I had to do this and I didn't want to actually think about why I was doing this. It wasn't until later when I had to tell my dad the news that I broke down and cried. Hearing myself say the words to my father just made the whole thing real and my mind couldn't wrap itself around the thought that I indeed did take her being alive for granted.
I know we all want our parents to live forever and never have to lose them. But I don't know what's worse: suddenly losing them at a moments notice or knowing ahead of time that they're gonna pass away sometime soon. My step-dad died of cancer and prior to his death, his diagnosis was he could go any day now. It was never known how long he would have. Turned out he had just over a year from finding out to when he passed away. And seeing how my sister and step-sisters handled it, it's not easier than just suddenly losing them.
We all take life for granted. We all think we're gonna live forever or at least until we're super old and can't function like a normal human being anymore. We all think our loved ones will forever be there for us always and forever. We never know if we're not gonna wake up the next day or if we're gonna get hit by a car or if lighting will strike us or any other random things that might kill us. I got diagnosed with early heart failure and if I don't change how I eat, it's going to be forever heart failure. If I didn't get sick earlier this year and find that out, who knows if I would even be here typing this out.
When I posted on Facebook about the death of my mother, I got so much love and support and a lot of people told me they also lost their mothers and how hard it is and it's going to take awhile to fully get over it. So I know what I'm going through isn't unique to me, other people have experienced loss and grief before. But this is the first time that I've never knew how to process a death.
I've lost all my grandparents over the years and they meant the world to me but I got over the grief of losing them because I have the memories and they've all lived to ripe old ages. My mother was only in her early 60's and I feel that's way too young to suddenly die. But is being grief stricken longer better cause they suddenly died at a young age? Shouldn't I feel just as sad for my grandparents because they aren't here anymore? Is it because I knew them my entire life?
Back when I was a 8 or 9, I discovered I had a half-sister from my father. He had a girlfriend before my mom and had a daughter with her before they ended their relationship and he met my mom. But it wasn't until I was older when I discovered this. A few years after I discovered this, my half-sister died in a car accident. She was only 17 years old.
As a 13-year-old punk kid, I didn't feel grief at losing a half-sister. I felt more bad for my father who was extremely upset but I didn't feel sad. I was sad she died at such a young age, sure. I'm not a monster. But I didn't know how to react to this and how sad I should be. We hear about people dying all the time on the news through various ways and we react like "oh that's sad" and move on with our day. And before anyone DOES accuse me of being a monster, I do miss her to this day and wish she would've grown up with me and wonder what her life would've been like now.
The point I'm trying to make is the grief I'm feeling now for my mother being gone is new to me and I don't know how to process it. I think about my mom all the time now and just cry to myself, missing her. When I used one of her pans that I took from her house when we were cleaning it out after her death, I got sad and cried because I thought "SHE should be using this now! Not me!" And I was told by some people that it's going to hurt for awhile then you'll eventually come to terms with it and I don't know if that's going to be true. I feel like my life has forever changed on April 16th, 2019 and I will never be the same ever again.
We all go through a grieving process and I'm not special for going through it. But I feel like me and my sister are the only ones in the world right now who knows what it's like to lose their mother and right now we only have each other and no one else. That's not true but it's what it feels like. How long will it take for me to "return to normal"? Will I "return to normal"? Was I ever "normal" to begin with? Probably not, to answer that last question. But the other two, who knows.
I'm going to end this with a quote from my mother's favorite TV show, Doctor Who. I never would've known about this show if it wasn't for her and my love for all things time travel came from her. Anyway, there was an episode where The Doctor had his own battle with grief and he said it perfectly:
"The day you lose someone isn't the worst; at least you have something to do. It's all the days they stay dead."That is exactly how I feel.
I love you all.
-Jason
Wow, that is a great quote to describe how grief feels. You’re not a monster. Feel all the feels and know they’re okay.
ReplyDelete<3
ReplyDeleteElisha's grandpa, who basically raised her, died suddenly 3 days before Penny was born, while we were out doing maternity pictures. I got the call from her mom and had to relay the news and then watch her have to deal with everything, from not being able to even go to the family get-together later that week for him because we were still in the hospital. I can't imagine what either of you have or are going through. There's never a good time to deal with the death of a parent or parent figure. I fear the day it happens to me.
You're awesome, man. Just keep swimming.